Discipline: Praise Over Correction What Am I Doing Right?
Discipline:
Praise Over Correction
What Am I
Doing Right?
Let’s talk discipline. It’s
inevitable. As sweet and kind as your children are, they are going to make
mistakes. As a parent, your responsibility is to help your children understand
the difference between right and wrong choices. This isn’t an easy task; you
may have a three-year-old who always seems to be into mischief. In fact, the
make-up thrown in the toilet, marker drawings on the wall, and the
entire-box-of-cereal-spills, may seem to be happening on the daily for you. You
may feel like you are constantly hounding your children to “be good,” or to
“stop that!” or to “leave your brother alone.” How can you teach your children
how to make the right choices, and to want to make the right choices
without so much yelling and frustration? We hope to share some ideas that can
help you, as a parent, have better experiences with discipline.
Positive discipline is a
constructive way to help children learn and grow. "Positive
discipline" is non-violent and respectful of the child as a learner. It is
an approach to teach that helps children succeed, gives them the information
they need to learn, and supports their development. Positive discipline is a
set of principles that can be applied in a wide range of situations"
(Thakur, 2017). What children want most is your attention. If they feel the
only way to get you to respond to them is by acting out, they will. When you
use positive discipline, you are teaching them that to get your attention they
should be caught doing good. Below is a video that gives some tips about using
positive discipline.
Video Takeaways
- Be
a good role model
- Be
consistent
- Be
calm and brief
- Be
quick
- Pick
your battles
- Be
realistic
- Catch
your child being good
- Remind
your child that you love them
When I (Lacey) was growing
up, I had some great teachers in elementary school that really used positive
discipline to help me grow as a person. They would often point out specific
kids in my class who were being extra good and say things like “Wow! Look at
Jill. She is sitting so quietly!” Suddenly, everyone in the room would start
folding their arms, and quieting down. They would make eye contact with the
teacher hoping that she would mention how good they were being next. As I look
back at my days at elementary school, I remember one day being in Mrs. Gee’s
class, and I was being extra noisy. She warned me once that I needed to stop,
but I didn’t listen. She then asked me to “pull a card.” To my six-year-old
self, that was a very big deal! I was so upset, I cried. When she went around
the room expressing praise for those who were behaving, I knew then that I
didn’t want to get attention for getting in trouble, I wanted to be praised for
the good that I was doing. While that incident was so many years ago, and it
was really small and seemingly insignificant, I truly feel that it helped shape
me into who I am today.
In a study focused on child
non-compliance it was found that if parents focused on praising their child’s
good behaviors and deeds, their disruptive behavior was greatly reduced in just
two weeks (Leijten, 2016). In recent weeks I (Micah) have found this to be true
with my two-year-old daughter. She has been ‘on duty’ for throwing away diapers
after diaper changes. She started to not want to do it anymore. She would
exclaim after being asked to throw it away, “You do it!” So, I changed my
approach. “Sharlee, if you go throw this diaper away, I will give you a
high-five!” She thought about it and then promptly took the item to the trash.
Upon her return I gave her a high-five and told her that she did a good job. I
have made it a point to continue with different ways of praising or
“incentivizing” her doing her “chores”.
As a parent, it can be
difficult to see past the challenges you might be facing with your child. It
can be hard to know how to find the silver lining in some of the stages your
children may be experiencing, or to know how to praise them when there is a negative
behavior overshadowing the day.
In the video that follows,
a father describes how he had a change of heart towards his son and gained a
better relationship with him all by employing praise. Note one or two things
that made all the difference!
He was given advice to
praise his son 4x for how many times he criticized his son. It seemed fake to
him, but it just wasn’t what he was used to. Then, as he continued he
started to recognize the good in his son and to like the energy he had...he
changed his perspective.
We have to find the
positives instead of the negatives in our kids. Do children like attention,
especially attention from their parents? The father in the video above learned
that the more he praised and complimented his son, the more his son sought out
praise or attention in positive ways.
When we are having a
difficult time with our children’s personality or behaviors, it’s good to take
a step back and consider how those qualities are what makes them who they are.
When we practice this, it helps us to change our perspective to see the things
that may be difficult in a more positive perspective. Remember, they will only
be in the “terrible twos”, or in their pre-teen years for so long. Try to enjoy
the journey of each stage and watching your little one grow. We understand it
isn’t always easy though!
When dealing with
“challenging” children, the “Nurtured Heart Approach” has been found to be
beneficial. It has been used in Head Start programs and other settings with
success. It has to do with giving very little attention to undesired behavior
and situations, while accentuating the positive, even if it is small instances
of desired behavior (Ahmann, 2014).
Example: Your two-year-old may find it
entertaining to screech or yell randomly throughout the house. When you try to
address the issue, you are continually cut off by another loud outburst. With
the Nurtured Heart Approach, you would refrain from giving that behavior the attention.
Possibly leave the room, don’t converse with the child in this setting. A
moment later the same child asks for a drink of water. You say, “ok, let’s go
get that water. Thank you for using your words. It was so kind of you to not
yell.”
There has been a lot of
talk in society recently about children getting too many rewards and how they
won’t know how to do things without getting a reward or praise. So, can too
much praise or complimenting hurt a child?
The descriptions
Pamela gave in the video make so much sense. Isn’t it so important to point out
values that are desirable in a person and recognize that in our homes so that
our children can practice and begin to embody those traits?
Praising the right
behaviors can serve as a buffer to the need for discipline. As Lacey shared
above, her teachers utilized praise as a way to get many students/children to
follow a positive behavior. They were taught those skills and most likely made
a very conscious effort to utilize it in a sometimes chaotic classroom full of
20+ six-year-olds.
The father in the
above video describing the change within himself and within his son also shows
that effort was put forth, but he truly saw results in the way he was able to
interact with his son.
Try it
out! Work on praising your children for the things they are doing right and
well. Tell them why you value the way they are doing things.
Questions to Ponder/Respond to:
- When
I praise my child, do I let them know why I value what they did?
- Do
I give appropriate rewards, especially time and attention?
- If
I were to catch my child doing something great on their own, what would be
a meaningful way for me to show my appreciation?
- If
my child is acting out, do I ever ask myself why they might be reacting in
that way, so that I can understand their world better?
*PLEASE fill out a short survey about the
learning experience:
Disclaimer:
The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists, and are not
authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of
this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent
any other entity or organization.
References
Ahmann, E. (2014).
Encouraging Positive Behavior In 'Challenging' Children: The Nurtured
Heart Approach™. Pediatric Nursing, 40(1), 38-42.
Leijten,
P., Thomaes, S., Orobio de Castro, B., Dishion, T. J., & Matthys, W.
(2016). What good
is labeling what's good? A field experimental
investigation of parental labeled praise and
child compliance. Behaviour Research And
Therapy, 87134-141.
doi:10.1016/j.brat.2016.09.008
Thakur, K. (2017, September 01). Fostering a
Positive Environment in Schools Using Positive
Discipline. Retrieved
March 05, 2018, from https://www.questia.com/library/journal/1P4-1962558225/fostering-a-positive-environme
Nt-in-schools-using
Comments
Post a Comment