Can You Hear What I'm Thinking?
Can You Hear What
I’m Thinking?
It is important to open
the lines of communication early with children and to keep them open by
listening to what they are saying. Communication goes both ways, speaking and
hearing. Authoritative parents rely on communication to know how to care for
the specific needs of their children.
A study was conducted
with fourth and fifth graders. Fourth graders were given surveys as to the
level of communication they experienced with their parents and the level of
secrecy they had from their parents. They were given the same survey a year
later as fifth graders. The results
showed that the more secrecy between children and parents, the less
communication they had. According to their teachers, the now fifth graders also
had poorer social adjustments (Bumpus, 2008).
The big things are in the little things we say and do with our children.
Communication about thoughts, feelings, daily activities, and everything in
between is important in the overall relationship we have with our children.
Stories
“When I was growing up
there were many rides in the car with my dad while he drove around the county
for work. I have memories from being a small child on these rides to being 18
years old. It was great one on one time with seemingly no distractions. Some
rides were full of discussion, some full of “oldies rock” and some full of me
singing along to Taylor Swift. On unique occasions before heading home we would
even stop at Dairy Queen for dip cones. I knew from these car rides that my dad
was listening to what I was saying and I appreciated the things he said as
well.”
-Micah
Taylor
“Growing up, I talked to
my dad every day, but I remember when I turned 12 years old, my dad started
having special monthly visits with me and my brothers. It was normally on a Sunday afternoon when he
was off from work. He would grab one of us and take us to a place where we
could talk privately. He would ask us how school was going, more about who our
friends were, what trials we were experiencing, and if we needed help with
anything. Normally our visits didn’t last very long, but they were meaningful
because in those moments, I knew that my dad was really invested in me and in
my needs. While these visits were simple, they will be something that I always
remember.”
-Lacey
Neville
The Importance of Verbal Communication in Parent-Child
Relationships
Words are important! If
we want our children to know something, we should communicate it through our
words as well as our actions. Discussions aside, what are some of the most
important things we can say to our children? “I love you!” or “I want to spend
time with you.” or “You are getting so proficient at __________.” or even
“Thank you so much for helping me.” There are so many things that should be
said to children to help them to know their worth and for them to see their
parents as approachable.
Open ears!
Nonverbal Communication Plays an Important Role in
Parent-Child Communication
Usually when we think of
good communication in families, we focus solely on the verbal interactions that
take place. While having open discussions is essential for strong
relationships, families often overlook the power of nonverbal cues, especially
in parent-child relationships. Just as Micah shared above, it wasn’t always the
discussion, but the closeness that she felt while being with her dad in the car
that communicated to her that he was available to listen and be her friend.
When “parents respond
consistently and sensitively to their child’s nonverbal cues, children are more
resilient” (Colegrove, 2016). Children are also able to develop better
emotional regulation, and to have greater self-control, and they can more
easily “maintain relationships” (Colegrove, 2016).
GET INVOLVED: Can you think of a verbal or non-verbal cue
that your child has given you recently? Is your child waiting for you to look
at them instead of your phone? Surprise them! Be present. Try giving your child
your complete attention for a certain amount of time. Let them lead the
conversation or activity.
I (Lacey)
used to work at our local grocery store. One day I could hear someone making
loud noises as they were trotting through the store. I looked up to see a mom
with her three-year-old son talking excitedly about a space adventure. The
woman would point down an aisle while her son would excitedly say, “Hurry
Mommy! We have to make it before the aliens come!” This was followed by
spaceship noises by both mother and son. Both had smiles on their faces, and
both seemed rather intrigued by their grocery shopping adventure. I was so
impressed! I’ve seen lots of parents have positive experiences at the grocery
store with their children, but never had I seen someone make it into a game.
Since then, I have found myself mulling over what different scenarios I can
come up with that would make my grocery shopping trip adventurous and memorable
for both me, and my soon-to-be little girl. My brainstorms have included: A
princess carriage, a pirate ship, and a scavenger hunt.
While I
know that I won’t always have good experiences at the grocery store with my
kids, I hope that I can use the principles that I saw this mom exemplify. She
doesn’t even know this, but from her I learned that it is important to consider
your child’s world. When they are little, they want make-believe, they want
games, they want to learn, and to explore, but most importantly they want your
attention. I often find myself thinking about how parents have the ability to
make their children’s world a place of happiness, encouragement, and adventure,
but they also have the ability to do the opposite. I think about moments that I
know will be in my future, where my kids have spilled milk all over the floor
because they wanted to do it “all by myself” and I have to buy a new gallon
even though I just got the one spilled all over the floor yesterday. While it’s
tempting to get angry and to yell, I think it’s important to take a minute,
slow down, and consider what your child was trying to do. From his perspective,
he might be proud to show you the cup of milk he poured all by himself. He may
not know that he did anything to make you upset. Instead of getting angry,
maybe we can take a moment to be impressed by the glass of milk (despite the
mess), and then take a minute to teach a new principle… how to clean up a mess,
and how to avoid another mess in the future. If we start by listening to them
when they are little, they will trust that we will listen to them when they are
big, and when their problems are bigger than spilled milk.
Children need consistent
messages from their parents not just verbally, but also through non-verbal communication
(NVC). If you are anything like me, you may find yourself giving family members
inconsistent messages. For example I (Micah) have found myself, more often than
I like to admit, looking at Instagram, catching up on a friend’s life while one
of my children is crying on the floor. I glance over and tell his big sister to
give him a toy or play with him. “He just wants your attention and wants you to
play with him” I say. While at the same time this little girl is talking away
and trying to get my attention. I should really be saying to myself, “They both
want your attention and to play with YOU. Put the phone down and get down to
their level.” Why does inconsistent verbal communication vs. NVC matter?
“When nonverbal signals directly contradict
verbal messages, children may have difficulty recognizing emotions, and their
self-perception may be negatively affected” (Colegrove, 2016).
Telling a child that an individual needs
attention and love while not modeling that behavior can be confusing, but also
non-effective, because actions speak louder than words.
Inconsistency in verbal
and non-verbal communication can also lead to parents unintentionally falling
into the trap of psychological control. “psychological control – particularly manipulative
forms such as love withdrawal – is by definition controlling because its
purpose is to coerce the child into feeling pressured to control or change his
or herself (i.e., thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) in meeting parental
demands or expectations (Barber, 2012).”
When parents choose to
respond inconsistently to their children, they stunt their children’s autonomy,
confidence, and ability to make decisions for themselves. Children need
consistent love and support from their parents to help them grow and develop
into competent adults who can make their own decisions.
When we aren’t responsive
to our children’s emotional and psychological cues, we are stunting their
ability to express themselves freely, and we make it hard for them to develop
healthy, positive perceptions of themselves. Children need healthy interactions
to help them understand who they are, and to gain their own “stable identity”
(Barber, 2012).
If the parents shown in
this video clip continue to work on their communication skills with their
daughter and listen to the things she tells them and expresses, do you think
she will be confident in how to communicate her feelings with others?
Even if it feels awkward
at first to spend more time together or to try to talk more with your children,
keep trying and they will appreciate the effort. You will have positive interactions with your
children as you strive to put their needs first, listen to them, and express
your love for them. These lessons are here to give you ideas, and to support
you as you continue to grow as a parent.
Evaluate Your Interactions:
-When was the last time you gave your
child a hug?
-Do you make one on one time with your
children a priority and are you emotionally present?
-How often do you verbally express your
love? Do it more!
-Engage with your child at the age and
stage they are in. Play in their fairytale world! Do you know what your
children’s interests are?
- Do you really listen to your children?
Even if what they are saying doesn’t seem that exciting?
-When was the last time you told your
children that you loved them?
Let us know in the comments where you are
going to make a change!
*PLEASE fill out a short
survey about the learning experience:
Disclaimer:
The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists, and are not
authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of
this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent
any other entity or organization.
References
Barber, B. K., Xia, M., Olsen, J. A., Mcneely, C. A., &
Bose, K. (2012). Feeling disrespected
by parents: Refining the measurement and
understanding of psychological control.
Journal of Adolescence, 35(2),
273-287. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2011.10.010
Bumpus, M. F.,
& Hill, L. G. (2008). Secrecy and Parent-Child Communication During Middle
Childhood:
Associations with Parental Knowledge and Child Adjustment. Parenting:
Science & Practice, 8(2), 93-116.
Colegrove, V. M., & Havighurst, S. S. (2016). Review of
Nonverbal Communication in
Parent–Child Relationships: Assessment and
Intervention. Journal of Child and
Family Studies,26(2), 574-590. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0563-xpdfviewer
(n.d.). Retrieved February 07, 2018, from
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