Is He a Good Kid?
Is He a Good Kid?
It doesn’t take long,
once you become a parent, for people to ask you if you ‘got a good one or not’.
When I (Micah) had my first child I was shocked that the number one question I
got was, “Is she a good baby?” That question evolves as the child grows into
more specific interests and generally as an individual, “Is she a pretty good
kid?”
“What does that
even mean? What does ‘being good’ entail?!”, I constantly asked myself. Each
child is unique and has their own personality. As parents we get to discover
who they are, right alongside them. It is important that we provide positive,
adult interaction for our children and match our parenting to their specific
needs (Grady, 2017).
Parenting often feels
like walking on ice. We can get advice that is all about giving our child all
the attention, doing things for them and with them and then be bombarded with
the total opposite advice. People will then tell us that children need to do
things all on their own, that they need to ‘speak when spoken to’. Is there a
one size fits all or a textbook answer that works in the real moments? Each
individual has their own capacities and thus needs uniqueness in how they are
raised. “The temperamental dimension that has received the most support for
affecting social outcomes is effortful control, which includes components of
attention regulation, emotion regulation, and inhibitory control. Effortful
control has been shown to have a positive association with children’s
constructive social interactions with peers, social skills, and popularity
whereas high activity, distractibility, and low persistence have been found to
predict peer rejection...Child development is increasingly understood as being
the product of multiple factors, including not only temperament but environmental
factors such as parenting behavior” (Baer, 2015). The way in which we parent is a definite
contributor in how our children develop.
Child
Temperaments
Have you ever heard of
child temperaments? You have probably noticed in your family that each child is
very unique in their personality and how they react to different situations.
There are three main temperaments that researchers categorize children in. They
are: Easy, Difficult, Slow to Warm Up, and then there are children who are a
mixture of all three.
“Easy”
children are generally characterized by having a normally consistent positive
disposition, they “approached new situations with moderate ease, [and] adapted
easily” (Mcclowry, 2002).
“Easy” Parenting tips:
●
Check in with your child often and ask
specifics (sometimes their needs are hidden or not noticed, especially when
there are other children, possibly with other temperaments).
●
Get involved in their school classroom or
activities...show an interest.
●
Encourage them in the things they are
doing.
When I ( Lacey) was
growing up, I was a very energetic child. In fact, when you watch my family’s
home videos I am always the loudest, the most excited, and the one who always
wants to be in front of the camera. Overall I was very happy and, my parents
would agree that I was a fairly easy child.
I was very outgoing. In fact, whenever my mom would take me to the
grocery store, I would talk with the people in the line next to us and bag
their groceries for them while my mom paid for ours. I wasn’t afraid to put
myself out there for other people to see. As I look back at my growing up
years, I am really grateful that my parents were supportive of my overly
exuberant personality. My parents have more shy personalities, but they never
tried to mold me into a shy person. They let me be me, and I am so glad they
did because it allowed me to grow up and be who I am today.
“The difficult
child was biologically irregular, withdrew from new stimuli, adapted slowly,
and had a highly intense and negative mood” (Mcclowry, 2002).
(“Take
child seriously, but don’t take child personally!”)
“Difficult” Parenting tips:
●
Point out strengths your child has and
compliment them
●
Talk to child about schedule changes that
are coming up
●
Get your child involved in a sport or
something to get their extra energy out.
●
Play interactive games, go for a walk,
talk with them (Robinson, 2017).
Slow to warm up
children “were high in negative mood, but showed it with less intensity than
the difficult child. The children who were slow to warm up also were slow to
adapt, but when they did do so, showed positive interest” (Mcclowry ,2002).
“Slow to warm up” Parenting tips:
●
Allow your child to use you as a secure
base...walk them to new situations and stay for a bit.
●
Learn your child’s limits and encourage
them to try new, out of the box things.
●
Help your child find an activity to be
involved in or a sport..a way of expressing themselves and to find
compatibility with others.
Following is a discussion
with a child psychiatrist on the different child temperaments and parenting.
Can you recognize similarities in your own children in the things she shares?
As a child I
(Micah) recall being a “tantrum child”. I am a pretty sensitive person and at
times I would become overwhelmed or not know how to express the way I was
feeling. This would probably fall under the difficult temperament category,
though when out in public I was more of a slow to warm up child. I could be
best categorized as a child with mixed traits.
I am sure that my mother
had many days where she just didn’t know what to do with me (I am sure, because
sometimes she would say that she just didn’t know what to do with me), but she
tried. She worked on easing transitions for me and recognizing when the current
stimuli was too much for me. There were times that she would have to take me
away from a situation, I was kicking and screaming, and then she would return
to talk to me or comfort me once we had both calmed down.
I appreciate the energy
my mother put into helping me know how to handle different situations and for
always loving me.
One of the best ways to
be a good parent and create a strong attachment to your child is to take some
time to regenerate yourself. Many parents feel guilty when they take some time
to rest and recharge. It is very demanding to be a parent, and there is nothing
wrong with asking family members or friends that you trust to help with your
children so that you can have the energy and patience you need to be the parent
you want to be (Robinson, 2017).
A study was conducted by
Karraker and Grady, focusing on mother temperament, child temperament and how
they correlate to parental competence or child social development. As an
example, “Child shyness was associated with more parenting sense of competence
only among mothers who were more sociable” (Grady, 2017). This could be seen as
an example of the need for mothers to be more intune with their child’s needs.
A more boisterous or outgoing mother may need to work harder to allow her child
the space or chance to be more outgoing or speak for themselves.
With each child being
unique in the way they handle the world around them, it makes sense that they
are probably unique as well in what parenting techniques work best for them and
also how they receive love.
A pretty popular topic in
the realm of relationships is love languages. Every person prefers different
ways of being shown love. Gary Chapman wrote a book title, The 5 Love Languages, which is typically thought of in romantic
relationships, but definitely pertains to the parent/child relationship, so it
was adapted for children. The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts
of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. All of these
forms of love are important, but each child may gravitate to needing one more
than the rest.
Go here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/children/
to quiz your child or fill it out in proxy for your child to determine their
love language.
Challenge: Do
something different or unexpected to show love for your children. Share with us
what you did and how the experience went!
Here are some simple ideas:
*PLEASE fill out a short survey about the learning experience:
Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists,
and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers.
The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and
does not represent any other entity or organization.
and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers.
The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and
does not represent any other entity or organization.
Resources
Baer, J., Schreck, M., Althoff, R. r., Rettew, D., Harder, V., Ayer, L., & ... Hudziak, J. (2015). Child Temperament,
Maternal Parenting Behavior, and Child Social Functioning. Journal Of Child & Family Studies, 24(4), 1152-1162.
Grady, J. S., & Karraker, K. (2017). Mother and child temperament as interacting correlates of parenting sense of
competence in toddlerhood. Infant & Child Development, 26(4), n/a. doi:10.1002/icd.1997
Mcclowry, S. G. (2002). The temperament profiles of school-age children. Journal of Pediatric Nursing, 17(1), 3-10.
doi:10.1053/jpdn.2002.30929
Robinson, L., Saisan, J., Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2017, November). Building a Secure Attachment Bond with Your
Baby. Retrieved March 2, 2018, from
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